Monday, July 10, 2017

everything beautiful's fiction

For me, the problem isn't singular.

Not my problem with Sing Street, by the way. I'm not sure I've got any real problems with the movie. That's why I watched it a gain today, delaying jumping off points for things more unpleasant... Except, I can make anything unpleasant. Anxiety and depression will do that. The opening lines to "Waving through a Window" from Dear Evan Hansen occur to me, now:

I've learned to slam on the brake
Before I even turn the key
Before I make the mistake
Before I lead with the worst of me

I get that. I get that a little too much. It's like that rehearsing conversations thing I was talking about the other day; I can plan my interactions and my attempts to accomplish certain things ahead just enough that I can convince myself that success isn't an option. Don't have to fail if you don't have to try.

Also, I figure I had my shot.

That's a troubling thought.

Like no one really deserves a second chance at life. Or at least, I don't. Color today a depressed day. Had a pretty good weekend, had a couple good classes today. But, right now, I'm feeling thoughtful, and thoughtful for an old cynic like me--that's not a good thing. Too much room to imagine all of the bad possibilities as well as the good one. I wish I had the boldness of Conor in Sing Street. He sees an attractive girl and walks right up to her, talks to her. He lies a bit about being in a band (when he hasn't started one yet) but otherwise, he's there, in that moment, in that place, putting himself out there for her to accept or reject.


That's almost a foreign concept for me. In reality, I mean. I know other people do it. But, me--nope, that's something from a movie, an imaginary version of myself tht I might project onto a character like Conor, or onto Lloyd Dobler, or whatever character is bold because in Hollywood a movie about the guy who isn't bold is going to be boring. (There are exceptions, of course, but even the indecisive protagonist will eventually learn to grab onto what they want in Hollywood. That's a story we want to see. WE want to imagine ourselves as (or near) people who take charge, go after what they want and get it.

I often like that sort of person in the real world, too. But, I've only rarely been that person. And then, only when backed into a corner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It sucks.

But then, I play another game or watch another movie and my problems... No, I'm not going to say they go away. It's not that boring "escapism" line. But, my problems get rolled up into the characters' problems and I've got more to worry about than just me and mine.

Until the credits roll and I turn back to myself.

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