Sunday, December 22, 2013

we made love like sea otters

Today was going to be the third TV Time Loop Day, but I got to it too late. Instead, I'm watching 12 Dates of Christmas, a 2011 ABC Family original... that is far too cheesy just during the opening cover of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" and a montage of New York City street scenes. This might actually be painful. But, if Phil can put up with Rita for all those years of Groundhog Days, I can watch this movie for 1 hour 26 minutes.

Even the opening line, "What is a calling bird anyway?" is kinda lame. And, Amy Smart is now in this, with some trite dialogue and I'm wishing I were watching The Butterfly Effect instead, because she's far better in that than I imagine she will be here.

This girl has a "life plan"--she should watch Groundhog Day. And get out more.

Five minutes in and we get another version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." I get that the title of this movie is a play on that song, but, still, could they not get any other Christmas songs?

Girl gets spritzed by some magic negro woman at the perfume counter and I guess that's where her time loop gets started--I should have mentioned that already; this movie is a part of the Groundhog Day Project because it's got a time loop. Anyway, she gets spritzed and then we get the usual string of scenes that you just know are going to get repeated later: a guy with tangled Christmas lights, her neighbor bringing her... I suppose it was a fruitcake, but I'm not sure...

Horrible bit where she goes on her blind date and thinks one guy--who is totally awful, of course, because, well, he's got glasses... I don't like this girl, she's got some issues--is her date then her real blind date stands up behind that guy. Mark-Paul Gosselaar's the real date... but now some other guy is on screen, main girl's ex, out walking with his new girlfriend. I swear these characters have names. His new girlfriend in Nancy and they reconnected at their high school reunion--I hope his name is Phil, but I doubt it. There is a character called Phil--main girl's father just mentioned him, but I don't know who he was talking about.

His name is Jack. Blind date is called Miles. Main girl's mother just said "you blew your chance [with Miles], you can't go back and change it." Well, there's the message of this movie. Only 15 minutes in, not 17, but close enough.

TV turns itself on, dog barks at it, close up on clock--midnight, not 6:00. Then the clock runs backward and main girl wakes up after getting spritzed. I'd brag about calling that one, but it was so obvious, I really don't want points for it.

Sure enough, Kate--which is apparently main girl's name--points out the guy with the Christmas lights on the first resumption. And, her neighbor comes out again to give her a... still not sure what the hell they called it, but it is not a fruitcake.

Kate thinks this is a dream, so she can do whatever she wants. I guess that's a simplistic way of dealing with it, at least for Day 2.

Current problem, though I like Amy Smart, her character is less interesting than her best friend. They should recast.

Another casting issue: Kate calls Nancy "cheerleader-looking" but Kate looks far more like a cheerleader than the actress they got for Nancy.

Really lame "Noooooooooooooo!" when Kate wakes up for Day 3... or Eve 3 I guess. It's just Christmas Eve repeating. And now a doctor is telling her how her subconscious is trying to tell her something, yet he doesn't look like he's supposed to be a psychiatrist.

Meets Jack earlier on Eve 3, freaks him out by knowing he's proposing to Nancy later, and Jack is a bit of a goober, telling Kate she needs to be open to new experiences to find what he has. Kate goes to the bar and meets her blind date early, not letting him know who she is. Interesting, but I'm sure this won't go anywhere. By the way, the guy who wasn't good enough, the guy with glasses--his name is Toby and he just introduced himself to Kate. I figured he'd get set up with the best friend two Eves ago. Now that he has a name, he's got to be something later.

Third outing and Kate is already getting nicer. Neighbor left the cake outside her door and she knocked to thank her. Now she's in the neighbor's apartment baking. And, I know Kate is apparently "not at home in the kitchen" but had she never poured anything in her life? You just don't pour a cup of sugar from... that had to be about three feet above the bowl. That's just asking for a mess.

Eve 4 and she wakes up without any shock. Just like Phil Connors.

And now she's found Jack at noon to help him pick out the engagement ring. Jack gets to assess her faults again--she was never "in the moment."

Bad line: "Deja vu, literally." No, not literally. Actually experiencing the same day again is not deja vu.

Jack believes in fate. To quote Rita Hanson, "Yuck."

Kate sees Toby again, and we hear--apparently in her head--"You know something, don't you?" She thinks Toby's controlling it, and she messes up her date with Miles, then buys Toby a drink. Now, I almost hope she'll end up with Toby and Miles will go be on some CW show... which isn't a fair joke because I'm probably one of the only people who liked Mark Paul Gosselaar's WB show Hyperion Bay.

Eve 5, and Kate is far too happy considering the previous resumption didn't go well.

Kate is a jerk. Midnight mass, her neighbor is there alone and Kate tells Miles she doesn't want to be like her, alone at midnight. Kate spent time in her neighbor's apartment just a couple tonights ago and it is Jack, not Kate who heads over to sit by the neighbor.

Eve 6 and Kate's attitude has changed. She just compared her life to a parking garage, and I'm not sure the metaphor made sense. She should be in a better mood--yesterday went well.

Now, she asks Jim (an old guy who is there each time she wakes up) what he would do in her situation. Ultimately, his response: anything.

Sixth day and Kate is just getting to the hedonism period. Shops at Versace and gives it away. Gets a sports car. Gets a tattoo. Eats a huge donut while getting her hair dyed. But, her friend had returned. Now, Kate is hanging out with Lee (Christmas lights guy's girlfriend), neighbor lady, and best friend. Midnight comes and back to waking up in the department store.

Eve 7 and Kate is helping Christmas lights guy.

Midnight comes and she and Jack are about to kiss--after a cheesy date sequence--and waking up in the store, she's kissing the air.

Moving on to meaningful discussions about their past relationship on Eve 8 and apparently Jack was going to propose to Kate back when her mother died, but then she got obsessed with being married. Apparently, Jack only proposed to women who don't want to get married. Nancy should probably leave him.

Eve 9, boring. Kate has the chance to go out with Toby but passes.

Eve 10, Kate seems to have figured out the third act is about being better. But, this day amounts to one scene. [Or maybe this is supposed to be later the previous night, considering the miscount below.]

Eve 11, Kate tries to help Christmas lights guy and spots homeless kid... I didn't mention that. Jack apparently coaches a hockey team full of kids from a group home. Kid gets away from Kate with a pointless slow motion jump bit.

Eve 12, Kate goes after the kid, wears leggings for exercise, though she doesn't actually run after the kid, just kinda follows along. And, the kid had run away from his home because he couldn't have a dog. Kate asks Jack out and... did I miscount or was the title deliberately incorrect?

Eve 13, and Kate thinks Toby shouldn't have glasses. She's kind of a jerk to guys with glasses. She hooks up Jim with neighbor lady (who seems to have been named Margine the last couple days), tells Jack and Nancy they're happy together (which I would think they know without her), helps Christmas lights guy propose to Lee.

Kate hooks her friend--apparently named Miyoko--with Toby, sans glasses... and lameness ensues. Parents' party and the hockey team is there, and Lee and boyfriend, Miyoko and Toby, Margine and Jim, and everyone's singing "The Twelve Days of Christmas."

The title for today's entry, by the way--my daughter suggested that line after I asked if Phil ever said, "This movie is so cheesy and awful" or something like that. Though it was only an hour and a half ago, it feels like it was... well, a dozen or so days ago.

Today's reason to repeat a day forever: to remake a different cheesy TV movie each and every day, because they really cannot take that much time.

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